No time to go skiing?

Simulate the skiing experience:

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in
freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.

8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.

5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

4. Drive slowly for five hours-anywhere-as long as it's in a
snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.

3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray
blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a
snowmaker!

2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.

Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners?

A.> So men will understand them.

What is the difference between Government bonds and men?

A> Government bonds mature.

What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?

A> Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?

A> We cook/they eat, we clean/they dirty, we iron/they wrinkle

What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?

A> Put the remote control between his toes.

How do men exercise at the beach?

A> By sucking in their stomachs everytime they see a bikini.

For all the ladies out there, Hope you liked these......

A horse walks into a bar... Bartender looks up and says, "Hey pal, why the long face?"

SOME TIME-HONORED TRUTHS & SOME POINTS TO PONDER...

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

They've come out with a new doll, Divorce Barbie
A> She comes with all of Ken's things.

Subj: OJ Trial
Today in the OJ Trial, Police Sergeant David Rossi testified that he observed an uneaten and melting carton of ice cream in the house at the crime scene. Authorities then announced they have ruled out Rosanne as a possible suspect.

Welcome to South Carolina,
Set your watch back 20 years

: Why is it so windy at Candlestick Park? (Home of the San Francisco Giants)
A: Because of all the Giant Fans!!!!!!!

Political strategy is when you don't let people know you have
run out of ideas and keep shouting anyway

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A fish.

Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would've ducked...

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we
don't serve your kind here." The mushroom looks at him and
replies, "Why not? I'm a fungi."

Johnny Cochran Duck Hunting
Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I just shot", he replied. "That duck is on my side of the fence, so now its mine," replied the farmer.

Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No", replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care." "I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."

"Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the kicks law." "Never heard of it," said Johnny. The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours." Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough," he said.

So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet.

"Alright, now it's my turn," said Johnny. "Aw, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck."

Now get back to work!

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